Tuesday was a hard day for me. I was feeling overwhelmed, beaten down from the inside. Today... well, I feel a little better. I'm certainly not happy-go-lucky, la-la-la, but it wasn't such a bad day.
I saw something that moved me, made me think that maybe someone's keeping an eye on me. When I got out of my car at work on Wednesday afternoon I spotted an odd shadow on the hood of my car. Glancing up at the antenna I saw a butterfly perched on top. It was slowly batting it's wings in the hot summer breeze. It's wings were torn, battered. They didn't look capable of achieving flight. But, there it was, keeping on, slowly fluttering. Glancing back on my way to the door I saw it take flight, spiraling into the sky, soaring away.
I don't know if its a sign; I don't know if I even believe in signs, but I think that I'm going to keep fluttering along. Maybe someday I'll soar again, too.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Missing You
How is it possible to miss someone you never even got the chance to meet? My heart has been heavy lately. I cry at unexpected moments and Jym is helpless to make it better. My sadness breaks his heart and baffles him. It hurts me to know that I'm hurting him, but I can't chase these feelings away.
Tonight, to myself at least, I finally let myself say the things that I needed to say.
I miss you. I want you back. I never got to meet you, and I never will, but I miss you like an open wound in my heart. If I could go back and change it all, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I know that nothing can change. You would still be gone and I'll always wonder who you would have looked like and think about the name I would have given you. I can only hope that there really is a place beyond this world, somewhere where we can meet and I can hold you in my arms.
I love you, precious baby.
Tonight, to myself at least, I finally let myself say the things that I needed to say.
I miss you. I want you back. I never got to meet you, and I never will, but I miss you like an open wound in my heart. If I could go back and change it all, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I know that nothing can change. You would still be gone and I'll always wonder who you would have looked like and think about the name I would have given you. I can only hope that there really is a place beyond this world, somewhere where we can meet and I can hold you in my arms.
I love you, precious baby.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day
To Jym: loving husband, gentle father.
You will teach our son all of the important things in life.
You will show him what it is to be a man, to take care of your family, to make the sacrifices that are necessary to create a better life for us. He will see what it is to love a woman, to treat her with respect when all the world around us is showing him that its okay to put a woman down and treat her like a slut and nothing more than an object.
You will teach him baseball and math and hopefully how to hit the toilet when he pees. So many things that I can't even put into words. So many things that add up to being a dad. Everyday you will be here and he will see that.
Thank you Jym for making this surprise addition to our family a joy, for showing me that you are the father that I always thought you would be.
You will teach our son all of the important things in life.
You will show him what it is to be a man, to take care of your family, to make the sacrifices that are necessary to create a better life for us. He will see what it is to love a woman, to treat her with respect when all the world around us is showing him that its okay to put a woman down and treat her like a slut and nothing more than an object.
You will teach him baseball and math and hopefully how to hit the toilet when he pees. So many things that I can't even put into words. So many things that add up to being a dad. Everyday you will be here and he will see that.
Thank you Jym for making this surprise addition to our family a joy, for showing me that you are the father that I always thought you would be.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Falling
The amount of love and trust that my son gives me everyday is almost overwhelming. He knows that I will feed him, that I will give him kisses and cuddles, that I will play with him. And most of all that I will catch him.
He throws himself at me in the mornings, when we're lying in bed. I catch him in my arms and cuddle him close, only to have him struggle away so he can climb on Jym. Then he throws himself at me again, smiling the sweetest smile ever to grace a baby's face.
He climbs up to my shoulders when I'm standing in the bathroom, eager to get to the highest point. Then, with what I would swear is a maniacal glint in his eye, he flings himself to the side, grinning as my arms raise up to swing him around.
He sits on my lap, poking my nose and teeth. Then he slowly leans back, waiting this time, for me to grab his hands and hang him upside-down. Up and down, upright, upside-down. Over and over I catch him and keep him from smashing his precious little noggin on the hardwood that lies in wait.
And the joy on his face when I toss him above my head, the squeals of laughter as he flies through the air and again lands safely in my arms, it makes my heart feel as though it will burst out of my chest.
Except that it already has, and its crawling around the house, climbing on the furniture. All I can do is chase to keep up with my heart, to keep my baby boy safe. To make sure that he knows that he is loved. To catch him when he falls.
He throws himself at me in the mornings, when we're lying in bed. I catch him in my arms and cuddle him close, only to have him struggle away so he can climb on Jym. Then he throws himself at me again, smiling the sweetest smile ever to grace a baby's face.
He climbs up to my shoulders when I'm standing in the bathroom, eager to get to the highest point. Then, with what I would swear is a maniacal glint in his eye, he flings himself to the side, grinning as my arms raise up to swing him around.
He sits on my lap, poking my nose and teeth. Then he slowly leans back, waiting this time, for me to grab his hands and hang him upside-down. Up and down, upright, upside-down. Over and over I catch him and keep him from smashing his precious little noggin on the hardwood that lies in wait.
And the joy on his face when I toss him above my head, the squeals of laughter as he flies through the air and again lands safely in my arms, it makes my heart feel as though it will burst out of my chest.
Except that it already has, and its crawling around the house, climbing on the furniture. All I can do is chase to keep up with my heart, to keep my baby boy safe. To make sure that he knows that he is loved. To catch him when he falls.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Ick
Alex let us sleep in today. When I woke up, about an hour or so after I usually do, my first thought (Okay, my second thought. The first one was "I'm not tired. How'd that happen?") was to wonder what was wrong. Alex never lets us sleep late anymore. He's all "eh, eh, eh" and come get me mama as soon as his eyes open in the morning.
So, I went to check on him. As soon as I opened the door he started to stir, so I picked him up and took him back to our room. I figured I could get some cuddles before he started to throw himself recklessly at every dangerous object in the house. I laid down in the bed with him and he let his head sink to my chest. I buried my nose in his hair and took a big deep breath, looking for that elusive baby smell that seems to be disappearing at an alarming rate. I did not find the wonderful baby smell. What I found was... less pleasant.
Sometime in the night Alex puked on himself. And I let him sleep in it! Because I am clearly a candidate for mother of the year. His hair was crusty with it, the sheets were covered, even the side of the crib had ick all over it. And his beloved dragon, the one that my mother bought for him the day he was born, the one that he has never slept without, was coated in the stuff.
He seems fine now, but ick indeed.
So, I went to check on him. As soon as I opened the door he started to stir, so I picked him up and took him back to our room. I figured I could get some cuddles before he started to throw himself recklessly at every dangerous object in the house. I laid down in the bed with him and he let his head sink to my chest. I buried my nose in his hair and took a big deep breath, looking for that elusive baby smell that seems to be disappearing at an alarming rate. I did not find the wonderful baby smell. What I found was... less pleasant.
Sometime in the night Alex puked on himself. And I let him sleep in it! Because I am clearly a candidate for mother of the year. His hair was crusty with it, the sheets were covered, even the side of the crib had ick all over it. And his beloved dragon, the one that my mother bought for him the day he was born, the one that he has never slept without, was coated in the stuff.
He seems fine now, but ick indeed.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Late Nights
I am an idiot.
Its late and I should be in bed, sleeping. Alex gets up late, around 10:30 or so (please don't hate me; he also goes to bed late), but I should still get to bed at a reasonable hour. Instead, I sit on my computer reading blogs, poking around Facebook and endlessly checking my e-mail. This is not the type of responsible behavior you expect from a 32 year old woman with a small child.
My husband doesn't help. He too sits on the computer until the wee hours. When we are computing together, side-by-side (okay, actually in separate rooms, but its the feel of thing, you understand) it feels as though we are doing something, as opposed to staring mindlessly at the TV. I have mentioned my television addiction, right? So we sit, and we stare at separate screens. Occasionally, I send Jym an IM on Facebook. He thinks this is strange behavior, since I'm only about 15 feet away, but hey, I get my fun where I can.
I've got to get out of this rut, staying up late for no reason. The real problem though is that I have trouble falling asleep. I'll lie in bed for what seems like hours, Jym snoring merrily beside me, until my body finally gives it up in exhaustion. I just can't seem to turn off my mind. My thoughts spiral endlessly:
Its late and I should be in bed, sleeping. Alex gets up late, around 10:30 or so (please don't hate me; he also goes to bed late), but I should still get to bed at a reasonable hour. Instead, I sit on my computer reading blogs, poking around Facebook and endlessly checking my e-mail. This is not the type of responsible behavior you expect from a 32 year old woman with a small child.
My husband doesn't help. He too sits on the computer until the wee hours. When we are computing together, side-by-side (okay, actually in separate rooms, but its the feel of thing, you understand) it feels as though we are doing something, as opposed to staring mindlessly at the TV. I have mentioned my television addiction, right? So we sit, and we stare at separate screens. Occasionally, I send Jym an IM on Facebook. He thinks this is strange behavior, since I'm only about 15 feet away, but hey, I get my fun where I can.
I've got to get out of this rut, staying up late for no reason. The real problem though is that I have trouble falling asleep. I'll lie in bed for what seems like hours, Jym snoring merrily beside me, until my body finally gives it up in exhaustion. I just can't seem to turn off my mind. My thoughts spiral endlessly:
- Alex will probably wake us up in about 6 hours. I should go to sleep now
- I have to work tomorrow. I should go to sleep now.
- I should go put a load of laundry in so I can throw it in the dryer before I go to work.
- I forgot to clean the litter box. Jym will be unhappy. Maybe I'll go do it now. No, I should go to sleep now.
- I wonder if Swistle posted anything tonight? I'll just check on my phone. No, put the phone down. Go to sleep now.
- I need to pee. I think I'll go do that and then I'll go to sleep.
- Fuck... the toilet flushing woke up Alex. Maybe if I lie very still and breathe quietly he won't know I'm awake and we can all go to sleep.
Cleanliness
Jym stands, holding Alex in our living room, discussing plans for the day.
Jym: So, I should be back by 2, so we can eat lunch.
Me: I still need to get a shower before I leave.
Jym looks at Alex, Alex looks at Jym.
Jym: Alex thinks you're clean.
Me: Well, he puts oatmeal in his hair... maybe he's not the best judge.
Jym: So, I should be back by 2, so we can eat lunch.
Me: I still need to get a shower before I leave.
Jym looks at Alex, Alex looks at Jym.
Jym: Alex thinks you're clean.
Me: Well, he puts oatmeal in his hair... maybe he's not the best judge.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Outing
Okay... I know you're all dying to know what happened at the library. Sorry I took so long to get back here. There was work (not fun) and taking Alex to the pool (lots of fun) and then some more work (again, not fun). But! I'm back now and since I can hear you calling for the details of our library excursion I will not make you wait any longer.
We got to the library right as story time was starting. This means that I did not have a chance to locate any of the other moms from the group I was meeting. This made me a bit anxious. As I may have mentioned, I am not good with strangers. We sat and listened to three books that the library lady picked for us (a very interesting lady, with a face painting of Elmo and clothes that seemed to have been acquired at a bohemian flea market... not that I can judge; I run around in jeans and T-shirts all day, so when did I become the fashion police) (wow, was that the longest parenthetical ever?) There were two books about potty training (a little advanced for Alex, but he listened politely) and one about Elmo, who is evidently not the brightest bear in the woods trying to get back to Sesame Street. He lives there, right. So shouldn't he know his address? Maybe get a cab or something?
After the books most of the group broke up (There were about 25 moms and kids there). I gathered up our stuff (bottle and Gerber puffs) and then stood around awkwardly, trying to figure out how to approach the few women remaining. One of them finally took pity on me and introduced herself. After that the kids all played for a little while, climbing up and down the steps and trying to eat various things off the carpet.
Alex picks up dead bug using his close to perfection pincer grasp (damn you developmental milestones!)
Mommy: eeeewwwww! Give me that. icky icky
Alex: Wahhhh!
Alex then notices bright yellow tape on floor and all is forgiven.
After some stilted conversation (again with the not being good with strangers) and much admiring of everyone's little ones we headed out to Chik-fil-A. For those of you not in the south, this is a fast food place that serves... wait for it... chicken. Nothing but chicken in it's various boneless forms. Chicken sandwiches, chicken wraps, chicken soup, chicken nuggets. I'm surprised the desserts aren't made of chicken. We had a filling lunch, made a little less awkward by the need for me to supervise Alex's meal and then everyone headed to the play area. Alex was a little young for this, so it mostly consisted of me keeping him from eating everyone's shoes while making more small talk.
All in all it was not as bad as I expected. But, I don't think that I'll be going back. Maybe to story time, but probably not to lunch again. I'm just so bad with new people and to be honest, these women were a little too strongly about the religion for me. I mean, that's great if it works for them, but I just haven't figured out what its all about and having it that strongly in my face was a little off-putting.
So to sum up, we were not banned from the library, Alex did not throw a tantrum about his socks and the ladies were nice, just not for me.
Maybe next time I'll just take him to the mall for someretail therapy quality time.
We got to the library right as story time was starting. This means that I did not have a chance to locate any of the other moms from the group I was meeting. This made me a bit anxious. As I may have mentioned, I am not good with strangers. We sat and listened to three books that the library lady picked for us (a very interesting lady, with a face painting of Elmo and clothes that seemed to have been acquired at a bohemian flea market... not that I can judge; I run around in jeans and T-shirts all day, so when did I become the fashion police) (wow, was that the longest parenthetical ever?) There were two books about potty training (a little advanced for Alex, but he listened politely) and one about Elmo, who is evidently not the brightest bear in the woods trying to get back to Sesame Street. He lives there, right. So shouldn't he know his address? Maybe get a cab or something?
After the books most of the group broke up (There were about 25 moms and kids there). I gathered up our stuff (bottle and Gerber puffs) and then stood around awkwardly, trying to figure out how to approach the few women remaining. One of them finally took pity on me and introduced herself. After that the kids all played for a little while, climbing up and down the steps and trying to eat various things off the carpet.
Alex picks up dead bug using his close to perfection pincer grasp (damn you developmental milestones!)
Mommy: eeeewwwww! Give me that. icky icky
Alex: Wahhhh!
Alex then notices bright yellow tape on floor and all is forgiven.
After some stilted conversation (again with the not being good with strangers) and much admiring of everyone's little ones we headed out to Chik-fil-A. For those of you not in the south, this is a fast food place that serves... wait for it... chicken. Nothing but chicken in it's various boneless forms. Chicken sandwiches, chicken wraps, chicken soup, chicken nuggets. I'm surprised the desserts aren't made of chicken. We had a filling lunch, made a little less awkward by the need for me to supervise Alex's meal and then everyone headed to the play area. Alex was a little young for this, so it mostly consisted of me keeping him from eating everyone's shoes while making more small talk.
All in all it was not as bad as I expected. But, I don't think that I'll be going back. Maybe to story time, but probably not to lunch again. I'm just so bad with new people and to be honest, these women were a little too strongly about the religion for me. I mean, that's great if it works for them, but I just haven't figured out what its all about and having it that strongly in my face was a little off-putting.
So to sum up, we were not banned from the library, Alex did not throw a tantrum about his socks and the ladies were nice, just not for me.
Maybe next time I'll just take him to the mall for some
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
An Outing!
Alex and I are going to the library tomorrow (well, later today). This will be his first "social" outing and I'm nervous about how its going to go. He's been out in public, of course, but tomorrow is a trip to attend story time and lunch with a mom's group that I found in our area. I've never met any of these women and my anxiety is rearing it's ugly head.
Its very hard for me to be social and meet new people. I always worry that they won't like me (I know, how middle school could I get?) and that I'll do or say something stupid or offensive. Not that I'm naturally stupid or that I normally offend people, but to say that I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of introducing myself to a bunch of strangers is an understatement. It feels more like a herd of elephants churning up everything.
My fears for my own social success are now compounded by worries over Alex. What if they don't like him? What if he steals some other kid's toy and won't give it back. What if he pitches and fit and all the other mothers give me "that look". You know the one... it says "Thank God that's not my kid." I know that Alex is sweet and smart and adorable. He makes me smile and laugh and everyday I am amazed at the things that he can do and how fast he's growing. But...
What if he cries in the library... I mean, seriously, in the library! That's the quiet place, right? At least that's what was drilled into me when I was a child. Will all the other patrons hate me? My overactive imagination is now picturing us being banned for life due to the fact that I made Alex wear socks (which he hates) and that he got angry and ruined the story for all the other happy, quiet children. Help! This is crazy talk!
Okay... deep breaths.
I'm gonna go have a glass of wine and get a grip. The trip will not be a disaster. Alex will not hate me for forcing him to wear socks and the other mothers will like us.
Right?
Its very hard for me to be social and meet new people. I always worry that they won't like me (I know, how middle school could I get?) and that I'll do or say something stupid or offensive. Not that I'm naturally stupid or that I normally offend people, but to say that I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of introducing myself to a bunch of strangers is an understatement. It feels more like a herd of elephants churning up everything.
My fears for my own social success are now compounded by worries over Alex. What if they don't like him? What if he steals some other kid's toy and won't give it back. What if he pitches and fit and all the other mothers give me "that look". You know the one... it says "Thank God that's not my kid." I know that Alex is sweet and smart and adorable. He makes me smile and laugh and everyday I am amazed at the things that he can do and how fast he's growing. But...
What if he cries in the library... I mean, seriously, in the library! That's the quiet place, right? At least that's what was drilled into me when I was a child. Will all the other patrons hate me? My overactive imagination is now picturing us being banned for life due to the fact that I made Alex wear socks (which he hates) and that he got angry and ruined the story for all the other happy, quiet children. Help! This is crazy talk!
Okay... deep breaths.
I'm gonna go have a glass of wine and get a grip. The trip will not be a disaster. Alex will not hate me for forcing him to wear socks and the other mothers will like us.
Right?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Favorites
Alex is into so many things these days. He crawls like a pro and its scary how fast he can get into things that we would rather he not. Like the bathroom trash or the power cord to my laptop (which is evidently extremely tasty, as he whines with disappointment whenever I pull him away from it). He has some favorites that aren't so dangerous, and here they are, in no particular order.
- Lil' Crunchies Zesty Tomato flavor - yes the box says for toddlers, but they're exactly the same as the ones for younger babies, just a much better flavor. He would gladly eat nothing but these all day if I let him.
- Moose A. Moose from Noggin - this is the little guy that shows up in between programs. He plays games and sings songs. Every time he shows up on the screen Alex squeals with laughter and grins. When he goes away Alex loses interest in the TV again. He is definitely getting a Moose doll for his birthday.
- Anything that Mommy wants to throw away that makes an interesting sound. He currently has an empty water bottle and an empty formula can (with the scoop inside) in his play yard. He squishes the bottle to make a crunching noise and bangs the can on the hardwood floor, thus producing a two-tone effect as the metal rim of the can pings and the scoop inside bangs around. (and also making little bitty dents in the floor, don't tell our landlord.
- Yellow milk jugs with red caps. The milk that we normally buy looks like this. Whenever he spots one he wants it more than anything else in sight. He spent about 30 minutes on Mother's Day gnawing on the cap of an empty jug and banging it on the table.
- Spinach and Carrots baby food. We're working on getting him to eat more "big boy" food, but he does not want to give this one up. He once went through 2 jars in a sitting!
- Music - he falls asleep to it, it calms him when he's upset, it stops a tantrum in it's tracks. I hope that he never outgrows this love.
- Windows - We have floor to ceiling windows in our living room. Alex loves to stand with his face pressed up against the window and just stare at everything outside. Also, the curtains are fun to play with.
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