Friday, June 26, 2009

Looking Up

Tuesday was a hard day for me. I was feeling overwhelmed, beaten down from the inside. Today... well, I feel a little better. I'm certainly not happy-go-lucky, la-la-la, but it wasn't such a bad day.

I saw something that moved me, made me think that maybe someone's keeping an eye on me. When I got out of my car at work on Wednesday afternoon I spotted an odd shadow on the hood of my car. Glancing up at the antenna I saw a butterfly perched on top. It was slowly batting it's wings in the hot summer breeze. It's wings were torn, battered. They didn't look capable of achieving flight. But, there it was, keeping on, slowly fluttering. Glancing back on my way to the door I saw it take flight, spiraling into the sky, soaring away.

I don't know if its a sign; I don't know if I even believe in signs, but I think that I'm going to keep fluttering along. Maybe someday I'll soar again, too.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Missing You

How is it possible to miss someone you never even got the chance to meet? My heart has been heavy lately. I cry at unexpected moments and Jym is helpless to make it better. My sadness breaks his heart and baffles him. It hurts me to know that I'm hurting him, but I can't chase these feelings away.

Tonight, to myself at least, I finally let myself say the things that I needed to say.

I miss you. I want you back. I never got to meet you, and I never will, but I miss you like an open wound in my heart. If I could go back and change it all, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I know that nothing can change. You would still be gone and I'll always wonder who you would have looked like and think about the name I would have given you. I can only hope that there really is a place beyond this world, somewhere where we can meet and I can hold you in my arms.

I love you, precious baby.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

To Jym: loving husband, gentle father.

You will teach our son all of the important things in life.

You will show him what it is to be a man, to take care of your family, to make the sacrifices that are necessary to create a better life for us. He will see what it is to love a woman, to treat her with respect when all the world around us is showing him that its okay to put a woman down and treat her like a slut and nothing more than an object.

You will teach him baseball and math and hopefully how to hit the toilet when he pees. So many things that I can't even put into words. So many things that add up to being a dad. Everyday you will be here and he will see that.

Thank you Jym for making this surprise addition to our family a joy, for showing me that you are the father that I always thought you would be.

Friday, June 12, 2009


The amount of love and trust that my son gives me everyday is almost overwhelming. He knows that I will feed him, that I will give him kisses and cuddles, that I will play with him. And most of all that I will catch him.

He throws himself at me in the mornings, when we're lying in bed. I catch him in my arms and cuddle him close, only to have him struggle away so he can climb on Jym. Then he throws himself at me again, smiling the sweetest smile ever to grace a baby's face.

He climbs up to my shoulders when I'm standing in the bathroom, eager to get to the highest point. Then, with what I would swear is a maniacal glint in his eye, he flings himself to the side, grinning as my arms raise up to swing him around.

He sits on my lap, poking my nose and teeth. Then he slowly leans back, waiting this time, for me to grab his hands and hang him upside-down. Up and down, upright, upside-down. Over and over I catch him and keep him from smashing his precious little noggin on the hardwood that lies in wait.

And the joy on his face when I toss him above my head, the squeals of laughter as he flies through the air and again lands safely in my arms, it makes my heart feel as though it will burst out of my chest.

Except that it already has, and its crawling around the house, climbing on the furniture. All I can do is chase to keep up with my heart, to keep my baby boy safe. To make sure that he knows that he is loved. To catch him when he falls.

Monday, June 8, 2009


Alex let us sleep in today. When I woke up, about an hour or so after I usually do, my first thought (Okay, my second thought. The first one was "I'm not tired. How'd that happen?") was to wonder what was wrong. Alex never lets us sleep late anymore. He's all "eh, eh, eh" and come get me mama as soon as his eyes open in the morning.

So, I went to check on him. As soon as I opened the door he started to stir, so I picked him up and took him back to our room. I figured I could get some cuddles before he started to throw himself recklessly at every dangerous object in the house. I laid down in the bed with him and he let his head sink to my chest. I buried my nose in his hair and took a big deep breath, looking for that elusive baby smell that seems to be disappearing at an alarming rate. I did not find the wonderful baby smell. What I found was... less pleasant.

Sometime in the night Alex puked on himself. And I let him sleep in it! Because I am clearly a candidate for mother of the year. His hair was crusty with it, the sheets were covered, even the side of the crib had ick all over it. And his beloved dragon, the one that my mother bought for him the day he was born, the one that he has never slept without, was coated in the stuff.

He seems fine now, but ick indeed.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Late Nights

I am an idiot.

Its late and I should be in bed, sleeping. Alex gets up late, around 10:30 or so (please don't hate me; he also goes to bed late), but I should still get to bed at a reasonable hour. Instead, I sit on my computer reading blogs, poking around Facebook and endlessly checking my e-mail. This is not the type of responsible behavior you expect from a 32 year old woman with a small child.

My husband doesn't help. He too sits on the computer until the wee hours. When we are computing together, side-by-side (okay, actually in separate rooms, but its the feel of thing, you understand) it feels as though we are doing something, as opposed to staring mindlessly at the TV. I have mentioned my television addiction, right? So we sit, and we stare at separate screens. Occasionally, I send Jym an IM on Facebook. He thinks this is strange behavior, since I'm only about 15 feet away, but hey, I get my fun where I can.

I've got to get out of this rut, staying up late for no reason. The real problem though is that I have trouble falling asleep. I'll lie in bed for what seems like hours, Jym snoring merrily beside me, until my body finally gives it up in exhaustion. I just can't seem to turn off my mind. My thoughts spiral endlessly:
  • Alex will probably wake us up in about 6 hours. I should go to sleep now
  • I have to work tomorrow. I should go to sleep now.
  • I should go put a load of laundry in so I can throw it in the dryer before I go to work.
  • I forgot to clean the litter box. Jym will be unhappy. Maybe I'll go do it now. No, I should go to sleep now.
  • I wonder if Swistle posted anything tonight? I'll just check on my phone. No, put the phone down. Go to sleep now.
  • I need to pee. I think I'll go do that and then I'll go to sleep.
  • Fuck... the toilet flushing woke up Alex. Maybe if I lie very still and breathe quietly he won't know I'm awake and we can all go to sleep.
And that's usually the point where I fall asleep. Once Alex has quieted down, of course. Occasionally he doesn't, and his sleepy cries turn into frantic howls. On those nights he comes to bed with us and I am forced to sleep so he can too. Maybe he should just sleep with us every night? Okay, that's probably a bad idea, but I'm getting desperate! Anyone have any ideas on how to turn off my brain so I can get a decent night's rest?


Jym stands, holding Alex in our living room, discussing plans for the day.

Jym: So, I should be back by 2, so we can eat lunch.

Me: I still need to get a shower before I leave.

Jym looks at Alex, Alex looks at Jym.

Jym: Alex thinks you're clean.

Me: Well, he puts oatmeal in his hair... maybe he's not the best judge.