Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Bath and Bed

Step 1: Inform him that he will receive a bath tonight. After retrieving him from the empty bathtub, fully clothed, explain that the bath will be after dinner. Ignore pouting.

Step 2: Go into bathroom and close door. Ignore the wailing sounds from outside.

Step 3: Plug drain and turn on water. This will help to drown out the sounds of woe.

Step 4: As tub is filling add bath toys until there is a small menagerie of water animals assembled. Place step stool by tub and shampoo by stool.

Step 5: Turn off water and open door.

Step 6: Capture toddler who is attempting to climb into tub with clothes and shoes on.

Step 7: Remove toddler's clothes while keeping him restrained. Ignore with heartlessness the despairing cries that issue forth at the injustice of being held back from the water for this clearly unnecessary process.

Step 8: Release toddler, blink. Toddler has now disappeared and splashing can be heard.

Step 9: Join toddler in bathroom, perching on stool for comfort.

Step 10: Pour water over toddler's head to wet hair. Dump most of the water in the tub, as he has dodged at the last minute. Repeat approximately 100 times.

Step 11: Shampoo hair and wash toddler's body. Lift feet and hands out of water as needed for the removal of toe jam and the cleaning of fingernails.

Step 12: Tell toddler to stand up so his bottom and related parts can be cleaned. Tell him again, this time tugging gently on his arm to encourage standing. Tell him approximately 15 more times, each accompanied by a gentle tug until finally hauling him to his feet to wash his stinky bottom. Ignore wails and protests; the toddler is not injured, merely outraged at the fact that he dropped his seahorse.

Step 13: Rinse the toddler's hair. See step ten for instructions.

Step 14: Dump some water on the toddler's tummy and back to rinse off remaining soap. Marvel at how there are no bubbles in the tub even though there were bubbles in his hair when you rinsed it.

Step 15: Sit back, towel at the ready for toddler induced tsunamis. Give a halfhearted protest at each wave. The toddler has broken you of any reasonable expectation of a dry bathroom at this point.

Step 16: Gasp in shock as toddler stomps his foot and drenches both your legs, the stool upon which you are sitting and the floor. Mop ineffectually at what used to be the contents of the tub.

Step 17: Declare that bath-time is over. When toddler responds with any variation of "no" (i.e. "Not yet," "I don't wanna," "I'm not ready" and the like) ignore him.

Step 18: Stand up and retrieve towel from back of toilet. Grab slippery toddler under arms. Drop towel in water while avoiding dropping toddler. Set toddler on stool.

Step 19: Grab another towel from outside the room. Hear splash.

Step 20: Return to bathroom; retrieve toddler again. Leave towel on counter until toddler is standing on his own.

Step 21: Wrap toddler up like a 3 foot tall burrito. Pick up now helpless bundle and adjourn to the living room.

Step 22: Realize that you failed to get out toddler's diaper and pajamas. Set toddler on couch with instructions to stay put. Turn on cartoon as incentive.

Step 23: Walk down hall to toddler's room. Open drawer to retrieve pajamas. Glimpse small toddler shaped blur streak past out of the corner of your eye.

Step 24: Repeat steps 20 & 21. Close the door on the way out of the bathroom this time.

Step 25: Return protesting toddler to living room. Place him on your lap to towel dry his hair. Ignore howls of fury as he routinely shakes his head harder then this while jumping on your bed.

Step 26: Place toddler on floor. Begin diapering process only to realize that you have forgotten the Desitin.

Step 27: Retrieve Desitin from kitchen counter.

Step 28: Wonder where toddler has gone.

Step 29: Find toddler in front of bathroom door, desperately trying to turn the knob. Be grateful that he hasn't mastered that skill, yet.

Step 30: Hear toddler say "Oops, you can clean it up, Mommy," as he empties his bladder in your bedroom floor.

Step 31: Sigh in resignation and throw towel over puddle.

Step 32: Send toddler, who has now realized his route back to the tub is blocked, back to the living room. Blot up worst of puddle, then follow.

Step 33: Place diaper on toddler, including Desitin.

Step 34: Apply lotion to toddler's delicate, sensitive skin. Wonder why his lotion costs more than yours.

Step 35: Wrestle toddler into pajamas after failing to convince him that an ice skating bear is just the thing he wants to wear.

Step 36: Chase toddler down after he bolts to your room, begging to sleep in your bed. Promise one story and cuddle time in the big bed.

Step 37: Read book, perhaps something Seussian.

Step 38: Turn bedside lamp to lowest setting and curl up for a good snuggle.

Step 39: Sing, talk, sing some more.

Step 40: Tell toddler that it's time to get into his crib.

Step 41: Feel will being broken by toddler's cuteness and cuddle-ability. Give in for just a few more minutes.

Step 42: Feel eyelids drifting shut as you sing The Sleepy Song.

Step 43: Wake as husband picks up toddler three hours later and puts him in the crib.

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